Come Dine With Me …

If I were to participate in Come Dine With Me here’s how it would go …

Theme – Grande Casino – The guests would dress in their best tuxedo’s or evening gowns. My own would be a stunning white silk gown with a high neckline, plunging back and pearl detailing on the front.

Drinks – We would start the night with the guests being greeted by a waiter who’s tray is loaded with bright and sparkling cocktails. For example .. Apple Martini’s with a twist or Frozen Berry Collins.

Evening Entertainment – I would have a poker table, roulette table and some one armed bandits set up in the lounge for the guests to enjoy and take their chances with. Obviously with free-flowing cocktails.

Now here comes the best part – The Menu!

Amuse Bouche

herb encrusted brie bonbons served over a bed of micro-herbs with redcurrant jus to dress.

(served with a glass of Bollinger R.D. 1988)

Starter

scallop, crab and prawn tortellini served with sun blushed tomatoes and a roasted red pepper dip.

(served with a glass of Cloudy Bay Sauvignon Blanc 2001) 

Main Course

roast sirloin of beef served with seasonal veg, baby potatoes, celeriac puree, and peppercorn sauce.

(served with a glass of The Dead Arm Shiraz 2000)

Pre Desert

pink champagne sorbet topped with raspberry coulis

Desert

hot chocolate mousse served with coconut ice cream and crumbled meringue.

(served with a glass of Vondeling Sweet Carolyn desert wine)

Coffee and Petit Fours

petit fours include mini brandy baskets, white chocolate truffles, turkish delight and homemade biscotti.

So there you have it. My very own dinner party. I obviously believe I would get a 10 but I’m biased because I think that I am fabulous. Clearly displayed by the amount of I’s there were in that sentence. Terrible writing. Anyway I hope my menu has your mouth watering and wishing you could dine with me. Whichever way your inclined please leave me some feedback on anything from how amazing you think it sounds to what you would change about it.

 

Cheers, Natalie x

Weird things my parents used to say …

 

So it was my mum’s birthday today and naturally I spent the day with her. We got up early had some toast and jam when my mum broke the news to me that we would be visiting my grandmother. Fuck my life. But anyway, it’s her birthday she can do what she wants, so we headed to Fife to see my gran. It transpired that we actually had a great day filled with rare banter and laughter. My gran was on fine form and so we ended up pretty happy. Then we went out for dinner. I don’t get to spend a lot of time with my mum as I usually work nights and she works days, so it was interesting listening to her chatting away. And it got me thinking about how parents sometimes say the funniest things. Here are some of my favorites over the years. Please feel free to tell me some of yours.

“Away and raffle your arse” – My mother would often say this when asked for a favor or when I said something stupid. Im not really sure what it even means but if I had to hazard a guess I would say it’s somewhere along the lines of “as if!”

“Move! Your cluttering up the place!” – My dad was such a clean freak. He would constantly be hovering or dusting something. So at the weekends when I was sitting around the living room, he would ask me to move, clearly me making the place look untidy highly offended him.

“Your grounded!” – Weird? Not when aimed at your child. However I overheard my mum yelling this at the dog yesterday. Apparently the dog has been naughty.

“Stop crying or I’l give you something to cry about!” – Oh thanks for the sympathy or compassion mother!

“Well what do I think about it so far? Well the rooms a little small…” – Seriously dad of all the things to talk about on the video of our holiday? The size of the room? You.Gimp.

“ChristinaDaveTara…Natalie!” – For some reason my mum always remembered everyone’s name, even the dogs, before mine. Obviously Natalie was just to hard for her!

“There is not a little man that comes out and scrubs the pots!” – Well the dishwasher is shit then dad.

“Your going to the jaggy jersey home!” – Whenever I was bad, my mum and dad would take it upon themselves to scare the living day lights out of me, by threatening to send me to what I can only assume is the mental home.

 

Shit. I was thinking loads of them earlier but I’m tired now and can’t remember. If and when it comes to me I shall post more. For now though …

 

An Idiot Abroad …

 

I don’t know if many people have watched this programme. But I think it’s genius. Someone once described it as “the most boring thing on television, couldn’t think of anything worse”. Well they didn’t have a very good sense of humour.

So for those who haven’t seen it, I shall shed some light.

Basically, Ricky Gervais and Steven Merchant send Karl Pilkington on several adventures, to many different countries. Only one problem, Karl has to be the most negative man on this planet, and he has nothing good to say about the places he is sent to. So far he has seen several wonders of the world – Great Wall of China, Taj Mahal, Western Wall, Bethlehem, The Dead Sea, Petra, Chichen Itza, Great Pyramid of Giza, Christ the Redeemer, Machu Picchu and done several items of a generalised bucket list – Bungee Jumping, Trans Siberian Railway, Whale watching, Swimming with dolphins, spending the night on a desert island, coming face to face with Mountain Gorillas, Route 66, Climbing Mount Fuji. And he’s hated nearly every second. To be fair, Ricky and Steve send him on extra missions and basically just take the piss.

This show makes me laugh so hard, this guy is funny without even meaning to. He’s a typical pessimistic Brit. Hilarious. So here are some of the classic Pilkington quotes:

“My dad wouldn’t let the cat in the lounge … there’s a fucking hippo in here.” – Whilst visiting a couple who had a hippo as a pet in Uganda.

“Whats that? Is that the end product of the people from the shark cages?” – Whilst looking at a bucket of slop on the shark cage boat in Australia.

“The alright Wall of China” – Karl’s opinion of the Great Wall of China.

“It’s not what I pictured. Infact i’ve seen babies in prams bigger than this” – Whilst driving a smart car down route 66.

“I didn’t think China was gonna be like this. I thought it was gonna be more… Like I said, I thought it was where they made the iPod. I think I’ve got the wrong place because this ain’t a place where they need an iPod… Have a toilet roll first.” – Whilst visiting the Great Wall of China.

“It’s been interesting, Steve. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve seen a lot, I’ve done a lot… I’ve shat a lot.” – Upon leaving India.

“I came here to see whales swim not to eat it frozen” – Whilst being offered frozen whale to eat by the Inuits.

“I’ve never seen anyone in a sauna getting hit by a shrub. It’s like being in a car wash.” – Karl on Russian steam room massages.

“What class is this? Seriously I’m sat on a shelf!” – Karl on his downgraded accommodation on Trans siberian railway.

Karl discussing the Chinese dwarf village with Warrick Davis…
Warrick: …Who’s behind the scenes running it? Did you meet them?
Karl: Yeah. It’s the king.
Karl: Course he is.
Warrick: That might be a show king.
Karl: No, no. It was the head man. He was at the top, he had a little cloak on him and a crown with shades on. You could tell he was in charge.

“I always thought it’d be handy, having a volcano close to hand. Just to get rid of, you know, old mattresses, old chest of drawers you don’t want. It’s a pain in the arse, isn’t it, when you have to call the council, 25 quid at a time…just chuck it in that big hole. I’d love that at home! Just a big burnin’ hole that you just chuck stuff in.” – Karl on Volcanoes.

“I mean, I was blown away by it. Really, to the point of … I had no idea they even had an arse!” – Karl on a snake farting.

“Look at him! Reading it first, what an idiot!” – Karl on the Monkey who stole his monster munch (crisps).

Seriously, check it out, you will be in stitches!

A true friend…

 

A true friend is someone who knows everything about you and likes you anyway – Anonymous

 

A true friend will tell you when your being an ass. It will go a little like this:-

You .. “Blah Blah Blah fucking Blah”

Your friend … “Dude your being an ass.”

You .. “Oh. Sorry i’ll stop now.”

 

A true friend will tell you when you have food in your teeth, or lipstick on your teeth, or smudged eyeliner. They won’t let you walk around looking like a dick. Either that or they take pleasure in informing you look like shit.

A true friend won’t offer a shoulder to cry on, because you will already be crying on it, no questions asked.

A true friend will tell you when a dress makes your ass look huge. Although again they are secretly enjoying it.

A true friend will call the asshole that broke your heart a wanker. To his face. Twice.

A true friend will stand up for you when you need it even if they don’t think your right. Loyalty through and through.

A true friend is someone who sees the pain in your eyes when everyone else believes the smile on your face.

A true friend is someone who looks you straight in the face when everyone else has turned their back on you.

A true friend will tell you the things you can’t tell yourself.

A true friend never judges you no matter what their thinking inside.

A true friend will never have to be brought up to speed on a lie or cover up, they will automatically lie for you or cover for you. They know when your in need.

A true friend will tell you that you make crying look beautiful even when you know you look like crap.

A true friend will help mend your broken heart with ice cream and comforting words.

A true friend will never know the meaning of over-share because nothing you can tell them will be too much.

A true friend can re-gale stories, word for word, quote for quote, about your adventures together.

A true friend will fart in-front of you and just expect you to do it back.

A true friend is someone who knows the true meaning of ‘absence makes the heart grow stronger’ and will never let distance affect your friendship.

A true friend will never get tired of listening to your pointless dramas over and over again.

 

I’m so grateful I have the best friends ever. Without them I would not be the person I am today. I certainly couldn’t get through the shit I do without them. They need no mention as they know who they are. This ones for you girls <3

Love can kiss my ass.

Love is a funny thing. An ancient thing. It is the root of many problems but can also be the solution for many people. Love can be upliftingly brilliant or gut wrenchingly awful.

For some people love feels like pure bliss. It makes colours seem brighter and smells more vivid. It can make your day and end your night. Love can save people’s lives.

But on the other hand. My hand, it would seem. Love can be a stinking festering ball of shit from the deepest darkest pit of hell. It leaves you feeling utterly miserable when the person you love is gone. Gone.

Yes I am bitter. Never fall in love unless you are 100% certain. Falling in love almost makes you a fool. So naive and trusting. Stupid, young and careless.

So, you see, love can kiss my ass.

I am British, now hear me roar!

Today I was feeling a certain patriotism towards my country. I think it came about whilst defending my use of the English language to an American. Preposterous I know. After all, it’s called the English language for a reason. Don’t get me wrong I am most definitely not being Anti-American, usually I am completely the opposite as I have a deep love for America and wish to explore it one day, however this certain American today made me feel like Britain was inferior. So here are a few of the reasons why I love my country.

Harry Potter (J.K.Rowling): This is and will remain the best story I have ever read. The book of my generation, along with my friends, I grew up and aged with Harry. America may have their Twilight phenomenon, and again don’t get me wrong, I enjoyed Twilight, but I will let Stephen King put it into words for everyone:

Harry Potter is all about confronting fears, finding inner strength, and doing what is right in the face of adversity. Twilight is about how important it is to have a boyfriend.                         – Stephen King.

Our Music: So this is a pretty touchy one as we all know that America houses some of the greatest musicians ever. However recently Britain has been holding its own in the music world. Does the name Adele mean anything to you? Well it bloody should and if it doesn’t then shame on you! The album 21 has sold 17 million copies, been number 1 in 24 countries, running 21 weeks at number 1 in the charts and being the biggest female album on the chart EVER. Recently winning a whopping 6 Grammy Awards (the most to be won by a female artist in one night) winning each category she was nominated for, and 2 Brit awards, there is not stopping this girl who is set for global domination. And it all started in North London people. Plus she sings better live than on any recorded record unlike some of the popular American choices.

The British Monarchy: Okay, I’m definitely not a follower of the British Monarchy, but at least we have one. With the likes of the Queen, The Duke of Edinburgh, Diana Princess of Wales (the nations sweetheart 1981 – 1997), Prince William and Prince Harry, and now Catherine Duchess of Cambridge (nations sweetheart 2010-present). America? Well they have Obama, George Bush and Bill Clinton, who lets face it are all a bunch of douche bags! Point well presented (haha).

Remembrance Day: I guess this is not limited to Britain but I thought I would throw it in for prides sake. The day that we remember the lives lost by those who fought for our country.

The First Two Minute Silence in London (11 November 1919) was reported in the Manchester Guardian on 12 November 1919:

The first stroke of eleven produced a magical effect. The tram cars glided into stillness, motors ceased to cough and fume, and stopped dead, and the mighty-limbed dray horses hunched back upon their loads and stopped also, seeming to do it of their own volition. Someone took off his hat, and with a nervous hesitancy the rest of the men bowed their heads also. Here and there an old soldier could be detected slipping unconsciously into the posture of ‘attention’. An elderly woman, not far away, wiped her eyes, and the man beside her looked white and stern. Everyone stood very still … The hush deepened. It had spread over the whole city and become so pronounced as to impress one with a sense of audibility. It was a silence which was almost pain … And the spirit of memory brooded over it all.

The Beatles: They defined Rock/Pop music in the 60′s. Lennon and McCartney were/are geniuses. That’s will be all.

Shakespeare: Responsible for the most iconic poems and plays ever written.

Fish & Chips: Good old fish and chips from down the chippy, can’t beat it!

British Cars: None of your hybrid, runs on air, pish. Jaguars, Land Rovers, Bentley, Mini, Rolls Royce, Aston Martin.

James Bond: Who hasn’t watched James Bond? Iconic fictional British Secret Service agent. Played most famously played by a Scotsman and and Englishman. Obviously not at the same time.

The Beckhams: You may have them at the moment America but they are and will remain British. Britain made them.

Topshop: Oh yeah, the best high street shop started in Britain.

The Great Actors: Orlando Bloom, Michael Caine, Sean Connery, Daniel Craig, Daniel Day-Lewis, Colin Firth, Cary Grant, Anthony Hopkins, Ian McKellen, Roger Moore, Maggie Smith, Dame Judi Dench, Helen Mirren, Michael Gambon, Kate Winslet, John Cleese, Julie Andrews, Alan Rickman, Bill Nighy, Keira Knightly, Julie Walters, Paul Bettany, Richard E Grant, Helena Bonham Carter, Emma Thompson.

The Woman In Black …

Arthur Kipps, a widowed lawyer whose grief has put his career in jeopardy, is sent to a remote village to sort out the affairs of a recently deceased eccentric. But upon his arrival, it soon becomes clear that everyone in the town is keeping a deadly secret. Although the townspeople try to keep Kipps from learning their tragic history, he soon discovers that the house belonging to his client is haunted by the ghost of a woman who is determined to find someone and something she lost…and no one, not even the children, are safe from her vengeance.

Oh Harry, sorry Daniel, how dapper you look in your Victorian attire. I must say I was extremely excited to see this movie. From the stories I had been told about the classic movie to the 2012 movie trailer, I was intrigued. However, as soon as Daniel stepped onto the screen, all I could think was “Hey what’s Harry Potter doing in the Victorian times?”, very pessimistic of me, I know. He even sounded like Harry. I know, essentially it is Harry, but come on, it is meant to be set in the late 1800′s, he could of at least put on an accent.

Anyway, the movie was a little slow paced, but it managed to keep my attention from drifting to my pick & mix. Then the horror commenced. There were then a rapid concession of moments that made you jump out of your seat, spill your popcorn, or let out a noise that you have never heard yourself make before. And the came the ending. Oh the ending. I don’t think I have ever been so dissapointed at a movie ending. I won’t spoil it for anyone, I enjoyed the movie and would recommend it if you enjoy jumpy films, but if you are quite cynical like me, then you will probably not enjoy it.

It’s days like these …

When I was younger, every sunday, Barbie and I donned our best wedding attire and wed our beloved on the staircase. It was the best day. Barbie had the most beautiful wedding dress, it was all pink and silky. Not much to my taste now but back then it was the best thing ever. So anyway, Barbie would get ready infront of her ornate gold mirror in her big Barbie Manor. She would brush her beautiful silky blonde hair and apply her soft pink lipstick. She would then say “mirror, mirror, on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”, of course as this was my imagination, the mirror would always reply “You Barbie”. Once Barbie was satisfied that she looked positively stunning, down to the makeshift altar we went. Then there stood the most handsome man in the history of men, Ken. Barbie couldn’t of been happier! Then came the vows:

“I promise to love you till the day the plastic ends”

Then you may kiss the bride. At which point Barbie tossed the bouquet over her shoulder, of course her best friend Cindy always cought it! Then the party really started, with the best champagne in the world, all the best food and all the music they could dance to!

Its days like today that I wish I was Barbie.

Superiority

 

Su-pe-ri-or (suuh – peer- eee – er)

1. Higher in station, rank, degree, importance, etc : a superior officer

2. Above the average in excellence, merit, intelligence, etc : a superior maths student

3. Of higher grade or quality : superior merchandise

4. Great in quantity or amount : superior numbers

So today I was certainly feeling the power of being a woman. I came to the conclusion that we are far superior to men. Let me explain this in 10 points.

1. We bleed out of our vagina’s for a week. You sometimes get a nosebleed.

2. We walk tall in 5+ inch heels. You slouch and moan in very flat trainers.

3. We are artists, we paint our faces daily. You don’t know the difference between foundation and concealer.

4. We shave our legs, armpits and bikini line (all very sensitive). You shave your face. Sometimes.

5. Even our AA’s beat your tiny little testicles. Breasts are superior to balls.

6. We carry a tiny baby for 9 months then give life to it. You supply the sperm, only cause you had fun.

7. We portray our feelings. You mumble awkwardly and swiftly change the subject.

8. We have three holes. You sadly only have 2.

9. We take pain like we were made for it. You snivel when you stub your toe.

10. We wear tight, wedgy inducing underwear. You where shorts that resemble a 12 year olds.

So there you have it ladies, 10 reasons why I think that we are superior. Of course I would love to here your imput, men and women.